Do you get the impression in therapy or a self-development space that rationalising is bad? Alternatively, do you believe that to connect with an emotion, you should spend all day languishing in it, with the intention of 'feeling your feelings'? If this resonates, you're not alone. This week, my partner had a tough day, and with the intention of not rationalising and being with his feelings, he spent all day feeling bad. Later that evening, we realised we had never discussed balancing feeling and thinking and how this relates to self-attunement and self-regulation. What my partner had not been taught is that to move through, learn from, and soothe a difficult feeling, we need both our thinking and feeling to work together. In this post, I will walk you through what this looks like and the difference it can make when you're feeling bad. By incorporating our thinking and feeling awareness in the correct order, we can build self-trust and greater inner safety.

Name Your Emotions Without Judgement – A Tip from an LGBTQIA+ therapist in Melbourne

It might seem obvious that we should try not to be judgmental about how we feel, but that takes a lot of practice and often has never been role-modelled. We tend to have a lot of conflicting thoughts and feelings about particular emotions. For instance, anger can be met quickly by fear and shame as we rush ahead to what the emotion might mean. When we keep judgement at bay we help create space for us to identify and name our emotions. Even with this extra space it can still prove challenging to correctly name our feelings.

Brene Brown, in her research for her book Atlas of the Heart, notes that, on average, adults can name three feelings while they are experiencing them: happy, sad, and pissed off. That is a very limited way to describe what is going on inside. When we can't name our feelings, we cannot relate to ourselves or others with nuance. One way to start building your emotional literacy is by using a daily mood journal; I recommend the app How We Feel, which can help you find the right word to describe a particular feeling state. Even naming a feeling correctly can go some way in soothing it.

But what if you're not sure how you feel, and you just feel bad? Let's start there. The first step is to acknowledge within yourself that you feel bad with open, neutral curiosity. You can do this by placing your hand on where you sense the bad feeling in your body and saying to yourself in a soft, open tone of voice, 'I feel bad', you can then facilitate coming closer to the feeling by saying, 'I'm here'. By doing this, you're communicating to yourself that your feelings are important, and you are not going to ignore or dismiss them. You're also saying that this part of your experience isn't alone because you're bringing your witnessing presence to the feelings.

Challenge Your Thoughts by Identifying the Stories Behind Them

Better self-understanding and self-regulation require a combination of being present with our feelings and challenging the stories we create about our experiences. I'm sure you've had the experience of seeing red when you are enraged and the sense that your thinking gets blinkered; in that moment, it's as if all we can see is the injustice. This is where we might act on impulse and say something we shouldn't before we have thought it through.

To manage this, we need to soothe the emotional brain. We do this by first, naming and taming the feeling with an open, curious presence. Then, when the intensity of the feeling has begun to fade, we can access our thinking brain making us more able to see the bigger picture. This is what this process looks like in five steps

5 Steps to Emotional Regulation from an LGBTQIA+ counsellor in Melbourne

Place your hand on where you feel the feeling and name it e.g. 'Oh! I'm feeling angry.'
Self sooth by letting the angry part know it's not alone, that you are here with it while breathing into the sensation
When the intensity has softened, check in with any stories you are making up. e.g. "Oh, the story I’m making up is they haven't gotten back to me because they think I’m boring and that’s bringing up the belief I’m not likeable.'
Introduce a soothing, positive belief: in this example, it may be saying to yourself, 'I'm okay as I am'.
Review how you are feeling. Can you notice any shifts in your emotions after going through this process?

Why do we struggle to find the balance between feeling and soothing our emotions?

Due to the range of therapeutic modalities available to us, many people have learnt to over-focus on either correcting their thoughts or accepting and allowing their feelings. You may have seen a psychologist who used Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and consistency to help you challenge unhelpful thoughts. Alternatively, you may have seen a Gestalt Therapist who had you track your body sensations and emotions closely, moment to moment, and you were left wondering what the purpose was. From these experiences, there is an overemphasis on either self-attunement or self-regulation rather than a balance of both processes.

Conclusion: Being Out of Touch with Emotions Doesn't Mean You're Broken

You may have created a narrative within yourself that because you're out of touch with your emotions you are broken in some way. However, self-attunement and self-regulation are practices, not personality traits. It can feel overwhelming at first, trying to tune into our feelings when we have survived difficult experiences by tuning out. If you need additional support identifying and expressing your feelings, and challenging your thoughts, therapy can be helpful. You can book a free 15-minute consult with an LGBTQIA+ psychologist/counsellor in Melbourne by clicking the link below.

Frequently Asked Questions About Emotional Regulation and LGBTQIA+ Therapy in Melbourne

We all have strange and uncomfortable feelings that we are fearful of. So, the first step here is to bring presence to the part of you that is fearful. Where do you feel it? What do you notice about it? Let the fearful part of yourself know you are here with it; with attention and open curiosity, the feeling of fear can soften. You might say to the fearful part, 'I'm safe now; it's okay to feel this.'
Therapy can be great for identifying, exploring and challenging negative thinking patterns. Often, we create stories about past experiences to make sense of them. These stories can include a whole lot of assumptions about ourselves and others. A therapist will help you see your story from another perspective helping you get a sense of the bigger picture. This generally leads to a richer, more nuanced understanding of our experiences helping us to shift from a reactive state to a responsive state.
Feelings and thoughts are deeply connected. We have feelings about our thoughts and thoughts about our feelings. Self-criticisms and judgements mean we often leap to fearful narratives about what our feelings mean before we have even had a chance to properly feel them. If you notice this happening, it can be helpful to ask your inner critic for some space. Spend some time breathing into the sensation of the feeling. Presence can often allow feelings to shift and move when they are feeling stuck.

Noticing Your Feelings, Challenging Your Thoughts: A Self-regulation Guide with an LGBTQIA+ Counsellor in Melbourne