Master Your Emotions: A Self-Regulation Guide from LGBT Counselling Melbourne

Do you get the impression in therapy or a self-development space that rationalising is bad? Alternatively, do you believe that to connect with an emotion, you should spend all day languishing in it with the intention of "feeling your feelings"? If this resonates, you're not alone. Finding the balance between emotional awareness and cognitive processing is a core component of LGBT counselling Melbourne, helping you move from feeling overwhelmed to feeling in control.

This week, my partner had a tough day, and with the intention of not rationalising and simply "being" with his feelings, he spent all day feeling bad. Later that evening, we realised we had never discussed balancing feeling and thinking and how this relates to self-attunement and self-regulation. What my partner had not been taught is that to move through, learn from, and soothe a difficult feeling, we need both our thinking and feeling to work together. In the context of LGBT counselling Melbourne, I walk clients through what this looks like and the profound difference it can make when you're feeling low. By incorporating our thinking and feeling awareness in the correct order, we can build self-trust and greater inner safety.

Name Your Emotions Without Judgement

It might seem obvious that we should try not to be judgmental about how we feel, but that takes a lot of practice and has often never been role-modelled. When we keep judgment at bay, we help create space for us to identify and name our emotions.

Brene Brown, in her research for Atlas of the Heart, notes that, on average, adults can name only three feelings while they are experiencing them: happy, sad, and pissed off. This limited vocabulary makes it difficult to relate to ourselves with nuance. One way to start building your emotional literacy, a key goal in LGBT counselling Melbourne, is by using a daily mood journal like the app How We Feel, which can help you find the specific word for your state.

Acknowledging the "Bad" Feeling

But what if you're just not sure how you feel, and you just "feel bad"? The first step is to acknowledge that feeling with open, neutral curiosity.

• Touch: Place your hand where you sense the "bad" feeling in your body.

• Voice: Say to yourself in a soft tone, "I feel bad."

• Connection: Follow up with, "I’m here."

By doing this, you're communicating to yourself that your feelings are important. You're also ensuring this part of your experience isn't in isolation by bringing your witnessing presence to the table.

Challenge Your Thoughts by Identifying the Stories Behind Them

Better self-understanding requires a combination of being present with our feelings and challenging the stories we create. When we are enraged, our thinking gets "blinkered." To manage this, we need to soothe the emotional brain first. Then, once the intensity has faded, we can access our thinking brain to see the bigger picture.

The 5-Step Process Used in LGBT Counselling Melbourne:

1. Locate & Name: Place your hand on the feeling and name it (e.g., "I'm feeling angry").

2. Soothe: Let the feeling know it’s not alone while breathing into the sensation.

3. Check the Story: When the intensity drops, identify the narrative (e.g., "The story I'm making up is they haven't called because I'm boring").

4. Introduce a Positive Belief: Say to yourself, "I'm okay as I am."

5. Review: Notice any shifts in your emotions after completing these steps.

Why We Struggle with Balance

Many people have learned to over-focus on either correcting thoughts (CBT style) or allowing feelings (Gestalt style). Often, there is an overemphasis on either self-attunement or self-regulation rather than a balance of both. In my practice providing LGBT counselling Melbourne, I focus on integrating these two processes so you can feel deeply without becoming stuck.

Conclusion: You Are Not Broken

If you feel out of touch with your emotions, it doesn't mean you are broken. Self-attunement and self-regulation are practices, not personality traits. It can feel overwhelming at first, especially if you survived difficult experiences by "tuning out."

If you need additional support, you can book a free 30-minute consult for LGBT counselling Melbourne by clicking the link below.

About the Author

Matthew Austin | Counsellor & Psychotherapist, Melbourne

Matthew Austin is a Melbourne-based counsellor and psychotherapist who has worked with LGBTQIA+ individuals for over a decade. He has held roles at both Thorne Harbour Health and Queerspace, where he developed a deep understanding of the external forces that shape how LGBTQIA+ people see themselves. His background working with children and adolescents who have experienced trauma and neglect informs his understanding of how early experiences shape the lens through which we view ourselves, others, and the world.

Matthew holds a Bachelor of Social Work, a Certificate in Developmental Psychiatry, and an Advanced Diploma in Gestalt Psychotherapy, and has completed EMDR Levels 1 and 2. He is a mental health social worker and offers Medicare rebates.

His approach draws on IFS, EMDR, and Gestalt therapy to help LGBTQIA+ clients access the compassion, calm, and clarity that has always been there — beneath the self-criticism and distress.

Matthew works with LGBTQIA+ adults in Melbourne. To book a 30-minute check-in, visit my contact page

Frequently Asked Questions About Emotional Regulation and LGBTQIA+ Therapy in Melbourne

• What if I'm afraid of what I'll feel?

  We all have strange and uncomfortable feelings that we are fearful of. So, the first step here is to bring presence to the part of you that is fearful. Where do you feel it? What do you notice about it? Let the fearful part of yourself know you are here with it; with attention and open curiosity, the feeling of fear can soften. You might say to the fearful part, 'I'm safe now; it's okay to feel this.'

• Can therapy help me challenge negative thinking patterns?

  Therapy can be great for identifying, exploring and challenging negative thinking patterns. Often, we create stories about past experiences to make sense of them. These stories can include a whole lot of assumptions about ourselves and others. A therapist will help you see your story from another perspective helping you get a sense of the bigger picture. This generally leads to a richer, more nuanced understanding of our experiences helping us to shift from a reactive state to a responsive state.

• What is the link between thoughts and feelings?

  Feelings and thoughts are deeply connected. We have feelings about our thoughts and thoughts about our feelings. Self-criticisms and judgements mean we often leap to fearful narratives about what our feelings mean before we have even had a chance to properly feel them. If you notice this happening, it can be helpful to ask your inner critic for some space. Spend some time breathing into the sensation of the feeling. Presence can often allow feelings to shift and move when they are feeling stuck.